I had a very interesting discussion with Jimma last night. We were talking about personality types and how our personality results are related to the decisions we’ve made. When I told her I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of relationships, but I don’t think I’m ready to believe any relationship could last, she asked if it’s because I’m afraid to just try. I then told her that I love the concept of freedom and of running away. I’d like to think that relationships could last, but I’m also willing to bet that some just don’t.
She then concluded that I have a fear of permanence.
That is, I’m afraid of being stuck in one place, in one job, in one relationship, and I’m afraid that if I get to one, I could never leave.
I’m afraid to be in one relationship because even if I may like someone enough to be with, I consistently think that there could be someone better out there. Or if I do get into a relationship, I’m afraid that if we ever go a step further that I might commit to a relationship which I will regret in the long run. Questions like, “what if I meet someone along the way?” of “what if I realize it really wasn’t love?” plague my thoughts on marriage and long term commitment. It’s both overwhelming and scary.
I fear getting stuck in a job I’m not passionate about. I’m afraid of being unable to move forward, to travel, to do anything I want because I’m stuck in a job. I’m afraid of having other people set their rules and expectations on me because I’d feel like I’m unable to work well.
I can’t imagine buying myself a house because I’d rather imagine myself buying tickets to all the different places I want to go, even if I have to sleep on someone else’s floor or stay at the rankiest hostel.
Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe there’s something innately wrong with me.
Then, as fortune would have it, I came upon this article and the post is the accurate depiction of how I feel.
I’m not alone after all. There are people out there who feel the same way that I do. I didn’t realize it, and I actually thought no one is going through the same struggle as I do.
This article is beautiful. It’s just.. I don’t know how to explain it. I guess, it’s just fitting and it sheds some light on how it is to feel that way.
I’m afraid of permanence. That’s it. Plain and simple.