Pag-amin

Pag-amin

(noun) admission, acknowledgment or confession.

Eri stared at the laptop screen in front of her. She’s been trying to avoid using it for some time now. Her friends found it weird how, out of the blue, she declared that she wouldn’t be using any of her gadgets. They were even more surprised when she announced that she’s staying away from social media for a while.

This is not the Eri they knew.

Eri was usually the first when it came to updating her status on social media. She was the one who came up with events and get-togethers so her friends could take a break from their busy lives. She was the one who kept posting and reposting news on social media – from the latest in landscape photography to the latest political events. Eri just doesn’t seem like Eri without social media.

Ever supportive, her friends placed bets on her ability to stay away from social media. On the occasions that she pulls in such random declarations, her friends would laugh and say she won’t last a day. They were usually right.

Not so this time. Eri was determined to stay away from the internet as much as possible. She uninstalled her social media applications from her phone. She’s currently on her longest streak: 10 hours. Eri was determined not to break.

But here she is now, sweating profusely in front of her laptop. We could practically hear her heart pounding through her chest. Her breaths heaving through in an uneven pace.

Eri in front of the laptop – this usually very normal image now screams to be broken apart and torn away.

A paper has to be finished by Monday and, just like most papers, it needs further research. Eri’s sources are stored in her cloud account and, despite internal protests against using online resources, she has stored digital research materials in her cloud account. These were the ones that were really truly needed for her paper.

Hence, it’s Eri and the internet again.

No one has to know. It’s too embarrassing a story to tell.

Eri has a secret.

Her long-time crush has decided to go on an indefinite leave to Wonderland, Greenville – a fantastic place where everything is new and exciting and where all sorts of wanderlust are satisfied.

Eri couldn’t go. She has a life of her own in boring old Glass, Isles. Glass is where the grass doesn’t look greener, but pale. Glass is where the boring jobs are. Glass is where she grew up and where everyone she knows expects her to stay (for as long as she lives).

Glass isn’t Eri’s dream village. No, Eri has a weirder, more unbelievable dream. She wants to live around the world, backpacking her way across continents and galaxies. Eri wants a life of adventure in the great, wide yonder.

This is why she has always been fascinated by Christian – her long-term crush. She has always been fascinated by his ability to just go wherever he wants to go and just be…free. He is also quite intelligent and open-minded. She loves arguing and discussing social issues with him. She doesn’t have to play dumb or pretend she doesn’t know anything when she’s around him. He encourages discussions on social events and issues. He’s also very passionate about travel, volunteering, and teaching. He’s exactly what Eri likes in a guy.

That doesn’t mean he’s perfect, though. Eri didn’t quite actually realize she liked him until much later. Usually, she knew she liked a guy right away. But with Christian, it was a “meh” that eventually turned into a “woah”.

Christian doesn’t look at all like Eri’s usual types. Usually, she goes for the good-looking, lanky guys like the ones she dated in college – the geeks with their oversized shirts and scrawny hair. She also went for the handsome guys who played for the band or the ones who danced.

Christian was neither. He wasn’t particularly good-looking, but his smile made up for it. He made a lot of jokes and he’s always around people, quite a contrast to Eri’s usual broody types. Christian is also into working out and he sometimes acts like a douche about it (the man kisses his biceps like a fucking bastard you’d want to punch in the face). The man can’t dance or play an instrument to save his life. But other than that, Eri thinks he’s perfect.

Christian’s being Christian is exactly why Eri couldn’t be on the Internet for days (or forever, if possible).

It is essentially Christian’s being Christian that got Eri in trouble in the first place.

Christian is leaving, that Eri knew as much. But Eri has an unreliable way of thinking, and her spontaneity gets in the way of her logic. Hence, with Christian being Christian and Eri being typical Eri, Eri decided to confess…through a private video message sent to Christian’s social networking profile.

She has never told anyone her feelings for him before. In fact, she’s never confessed to anyone. Usually, she kept her feelings to herself. But on that particular occasion, she felt confident to do it and she didn’t exactly think about it.

When Eri realized the gravity of what she did, she panicked. There is no way she could check her social media accounts without the possibility of her message box blinking or…worse, see updates posted by Christian but with no response to the confession from him. She couldn’t take the embarrassment.

Now, we go back to Eri’s room as she struggles to avoid typing in the website of her favorite social network. This she has done so frequently and so impulsively, she’s not sure she could stay away from it. She’s managed to type and focus on her research just fine for an hour or so, when her stomach betrays her with a low growl.

With a quick turn, she goes up to the kitchen where she makes a quick sandwich before going back to her room.

Ding! Ding!

Her status notifications have been turned on! Without realizing it, her fingers have automatically typed in the website address of her favorite social network as if they’ve been trained to do so their whole lives. Her eyes, aghast, adjust to the lights of the familiar webpage.

“This is bad, this is bad,” Eri says to herself as the webpage loads. “I’ve probably logged out on this laptop, so I could just as easily leave.”

But she hasn’t and, once again, she is facing the ever-so-familiar UI platform of the webpage that extends her social life.

“Dear Lord, help me deal with this temptation,” she mumbles to herself. Her mouse scrolls over the “x” button on the tab, when she notices that her message box has 1 unread message.
Curious, she clicks it open…and there it is, Christian’s response to her previous message.

What crazy video message did you mean? Show me!

Gasp! He hasn’t seen the video message yet…but he has seen her follow-up message after she sent her video,

sorry if it’s crazy and weird. If it’s any consolation, I felt crazy and weird when I made it! Haha Hope to catch up with you soon!”

“Oh dear, oh dear. He hasn’t seen the video yet! That’s good. Play it cool,” Eri calms herself.

Noooo! I won’t be revealing that video. I have saved myself from total embarrassment now. Bwahaha!

Christian:

Come on! Show me! Send it to me again. I can’t find it here.

Eri:

You can’t find it? Darn! I was working so hard on it too. It was dramatic and everything, practically the next Shakespearean act!!

Christian:

Please, please send it to me!

Eri:

Only if you’re nice and you don’t make it weird. Promise me you won’t make it weird.

Christian:

Oh wait, I found it now. Wait a sec, I’ll play it.

Gaaaa~!!! He has the video! Oh fuck, oh fuck. I’m gonna die of shame and embarrassment – a writhing worm trying to crawl helplessly under a bird’s claw. I’m dead. I’m dying. Dear God, the embarrassment!

Eri is panicking now. She thought she could play it cool, but apparently she couldn’t. The video is being played by Christian as we speak. Eri can’t take anymore of the suspense…

Christian:

Eri, this is lovely and sweet. Thank you so much.

Lovely and sweet? How on earth has that video ever been lovely and sweet? It was awkward as fuck.

Christian:

It’s such a shame I couldn’t tell you this in person, but I like you and admire you so much as a person too. I like that you’re unique, free-spirited and passionate.

Am I reading this correctly? Did he just say he likes me?

Eri:

Is that for real or are you just being nice? LOL I’m not used to telling people I like them. Actually you’re the first person I ever confessed to. Too bad I didn’t get to say it in person. It would have been so dramatic and cooler

Christian:

You’re very courageous and admire that… That is the way I used to be (it never worked out whenever I would confess… Haha) . But that is the way it SHOUld be.

Eri, you’re being a huge dork. Talk to him normally!

Eri:

Yeah. Too bad I wasn’t courageous enough to tell it to you in person

Christian:

I will always consider you an amazing friend (and very passionate kisser… Haha)

Eri:

Oh God, you remembered that. I was hoping you didn’t haha

Shit! This is so embarrassing. “An amazing friend?” We haven’t even known each other that long! This is the friend-zone! The kiss! Gaaaaa~! I was drunk that one time. He was drunk too. How could he remember that? I could barely recall half of what I said or did. Alcohol is bad, very bad.

Christian:

Ya, anyway… I don’t know when I’ll be back to Glass… Yesterday I signed a teaching contract in Wonderland.

Eri:

Haha no problem, I was being dramatic. I realized we probably won’t be seeing each other again anytime soon and I figured I should tell you or I lose the chance. See? Flair for the drama.

Take that! Yeah, I played it cool. I played it good! I’m all “cool, I’m not expecting too much, either. I’m so good!”

Eri:

This means we’re still okay, right? I felt like I was walking on a tightrope haha

Christian:

We are perfectly fine to continue to be friends. 🙂 like I said, I really admire you… And the fact that you kissed me doesn’t bother me. I think you’re awesome for choosing passionate expression rather than fear 😉

Eri:

I’m so relieved! Haha
A huge burden has been lifted!! I’m so glad you’re handling this quite well. I probably wouldn’t have worked up the nerve…like ever

Christian:

You always have a friend in me… Don’t worry. :p

The dude just friend-zoned me..not that it matters.

Eri:

Aww, you’re so sweet. Thanks a lot. I’m so glad I got to tell you what I felt.

Christian:

Haha. You’re so funny and dramatic. Would be fun to have u around Wonderland… We need people like that here.

Eri:

I am ever so dramatic. Haha are you telling me people in Wonderland are boring? You’re there now, I don’t think you’re boring.

Christian:

We are all boring compared to u. :p

Eri:

Aww, pssh. Now you’re just flattering me. Anyway, I’m so glad I got that out of my chest. You are literally the best person to confess to haha

Christian:

Hahaha That made me laugh. Anyway, I have to go now. Talk to you soon

“That was refreshingly weird and funny,” Eri thought to herself. “The confessing-your-feelings-with-total-honesty gig isn’t so bad after all. Or maybe it was the fact that I gave my first “I like you” confession to a really nice guy.

Eri smiles.

Somehow, it was worth it.

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