The dilemma I got myself in

I hated the thought of studying law. I can never imagine myself in that profession. I just knew a lot of people expected me to pursue it – especially my parents, and I just agreed because I didn’t know any better then and I hate to break their expectations of me now. But it has never been my passion or dream. To be honest, I just didn’t understand why I have to be in that profession when anyone can be successful on their own. Not a lot of lawyers love their job, and not a lot are successful!

That was why when I attended the interview with the College’s Guidance Counsellor, I knew I should just answer the questions nicely and bluff my way when it comes to questions about why I chose Law. Right then, I answered the questions in the way that seemed most appropriate and what is expected of me. I knew I didn’t do too bad in the interview. The funny thing was, although I knew I was just forced to study Law, I didn’t want to be turned down. Probably, it was because of my pride – I didn’t want to be rejected but I’d rather choose to be the one who rejects. In another weird way, I cannot help but be partly convinced by my own story that:

“When you pursue law, it’s not just for yourself. You’re doing it because a lot of people depend on you for it, not just because they expect you to be one, but because they need it and you need it for yourself.”

I used that line before, when I talked to Mark, and I can’t help but feel that I’m always pushed to being a lawyer & I was not motivated enough to say no. I probably convinced myself enough that there’s a good reason why I could wholeheartedly accept going into a course I don’t really like.

AND IT CAME…

I had to be a lawyer, and there’s no other way.

Because with our current family situation, even if we are disillusioned by college to believe we should find happiness elsewhere – and even if that may be true – pursuing that happiness would be selfishness if I can’t manage to help settle this problem with our families. As much as I want to believe that there is a life out there for us, we can’t get there yet because we still have to face the chaotic world of our reality: a reality where your own relatives are your number one detractors.

The sadder thing is, I realized that we are forced us to take these courses, not only because of practicality, but because these are the only weapons we could have against the premature attacks that may come our way. Especially towards me right now.

Now that I am 19 and very well able to comprehend the dark schemes they have against us, it hurts to realize that the naive hope, that whatever familial drama your parents tell you were never true, is shattered in front of you.

Well, I got my dose of reality, and the truth hurts…and offends.

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