How does it feel…?

A friend once asked me, “Why are you still single?”

That time, I never really thought about it and carelessly teased that he did not need to remind me of the “loneliness”.

I guess he didn’t really see it as a joke because he asked, “Why? Is it really that sad to not have a partner?”

The conversation ended without me really giving a serious answer. That time, I was careless and didn’t think about anything that I said or did. I just answered in that typical reason I always give out when people ask:

“I don’t want to get into a relationship because I don’t want to get in half-hearted or just because somebody was a bit nice and cute. It’s unfair for the other person if I knew from the very start that I never really felt anything for him. I would only get into one if I’m sure that I really love that other person.”

I always give out that answer.

But now that I’m just here – alone again, with only the junk food and the computer screen as my companion – I can’t help thinking that I may be a hypocrite.

Being single can be very lonely. It can also be very sad.

I tried my best to enjoy my singlehood, and at some point, I really did. I was so confident in myself, that I don’t need anyone to make me feel better about myself. I have great friends. I’m happy with my life. And, I always felt good about myself. I knew that no matter what, I’ll enjoy just being by myself.

But the thing is, being too independent can be very tiring. And, when you go back to your room when everyone else has gone – when your friends have to leave and you’re away from your family – the sadness slowly starts to creep in. The sanctuary that I proudly call my own, and mine alone, slowly becomes a reminder of what I don’t have.

Feelings that you have thought to be long forgotten come back and remind you that you never once forgot them – that you only pushed them far back in your mind because you were too afraid of experiencing them again.

In that sense, I guess I’m a coward. MAYBE, and just maybe, I’m just afraid of getting hurt – that I cover up this fear with that flimsy excuse. Or maybe, that’s just how I truly feel, because I realized just how stupid it was to enter a relationship simply because you were curious or the guy was a bit nice/attractive.

I am not so sure if I am still happy (or if I could still manage to think I’m enjoying) in this “loneliness” that I’ve put myself in. I’m not looking for a partner, nor am I excited to get into a relationship soon. It’s just that I’ve realized that being too independent for too long could be very lonely. And, unlike other girls my age who still haven’t experienced being in a relationship, I knew what it feels like to have been out there.

Although being in a relationship could be bittersweet, being too strong-willed and independent for too long could still make a person too afraid of feeling. Worst, s/he may lose some of the ability to actually give a bit of his/herself to anyone because s/he has loved him/herself too much.

I’m not talking about vanity.

I’m talking about the fear of getting hurt that you stop yourself from going out there. So you try to continue on being “independent” even when the loneliness starts to creep in.

That, honestly, is what I fear most right now. And, I’m afraid, it is happening to me.

I guess being single does have its perks and disadvantages.

*NOTE: I’m probably just got too emotional while watching SKIP BEAT, or maybe it was because of the junk food. I’m not so sure…

I guess when you’re alone, you start to think of things like these even though you remind yourself that you don’t really need to.


One thought on “How does it feel…?

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