How does it feel…?

A friend once asked me, “Why are you still single?”

That time, I never really thought about it and carelessly teased that he did not need to remind me of the “loneliness”.

I guess he didn’t really see it as a joke because he asked, “Why? Is it really that sad to not have a partner?”

The conversation ended without me really giving a serious answer. That time, I was careless and didn’t think about anything that I said or did. I just answered in that typical reason I always give out when people ask:

“I don’t want to get into a relationship because I don’t want to get in half-hearted or just because somebody was a bit nice and cute. It’s unfair for the other person if I knew from the very start that I never really felt anything for him. I would only get into one if I’m sure that I really love that other person.”

I always give out that answer.

But now that I’m just here – alone again, with only the junk food and the computer screen as my companion – I can’t help thinking that I may be a hypocrite.

Being single can be very lonely. It can also be very sad.

I tried my best to enjoy my singlehood, and at some point, I really did. I was so confident in myself, that I don’t need anyone to make me feel better about myself. I have great friends. I’m happy with my life. And, I always felt good about myself. I knew that no matter what, I’ll enjoy just being by myself.

But the thing is, being too independent can be very tiring. And, when you go back to your room when everyone else has gone – when your friends have to leave and you’re away from your family – the sadness slowly starts to creep in. The sanctuary that I proudly call my own, and mine alone, slowly becomes a reminder of what I don’t have.

Feelings that you have thought to be long forgotten come back and remind you that you never once forgot them – that you only pushed them far back in your mind because you were too afraid of experiencing them again.

In that sense, I guess I’m a coward. MAYBE, and just maybe, I’m just afraid of getting hurt – that I cover up this fear with that flimsy excuse. Or maybe, that’s just how I truly feel, because I realized just how stupid it was to enter a relationship simply because you were curious or the guy was a bit nice/attractive.

I am not so sure if I am still happy (or if I could still manage to think I’m enjoying) in this “loneliness” that I’ve put myself in. I’m not looking for a partner, nor am I excited to get into a relationship soon. It’s just that I’ve realized that being too independent for too long could be very lonely. And, unlike other girls my age who still haven’t experienced being in a relationship, I knew what it feels like to have been out there.

Although being in a relationship could be bittersweet, being too strong-willed and independent for too long could still make a person too afraid of feeling. Worst, s/he may lose some of the ability to actually give a bit of his/herself to anyone because s/he has loved him/herself too much.

I’m not talking about vanity.

I’m talking about the fear of getting hurt that you stop yourself from going out there. So you try to continue on being “independent” even when the loneliness starts to creep in.

That, honestly, is what I fear most right now. And, I’m afraid, it is happening to me.

I guess being single does have its perks and disadvantages.

*NOTE: I’m probably just got too emotional while watching SKIP BEAT, or maybe it was because of the junk food. I’m not so sure…

I guess when you’re alone, you start to think of things like these even though you remind yourself that you don’t really need to.

More parents for the world’s children

We shouldn’t really concern ourselves with having children, but rather be more concerned about having more parents for the millions of children who have no families of their own.

This is an interesting perspective I gained after talking to a friend last night.
This friend of mine is trying his best to live happily despite a very rocky family relationship. And since I, too, came from a family whose parents can’t be together, we decided to have a heart-to-heart talk about life and all its intricacies – most especially on the effects of familial separation on a child’s psycho-social growth.
The real discussion came about when I asked:
“Do you ever wish to have children in the future – so you could provide them with the family you never had?”
I expected the typical answer, my own answer –
Yes, because children – my children – deserve the happiness and love I could never have. I plan to make it different, that they never experience the pain that we went through when our parents separated.
That’s what most people who have been in our situation may say.
But he answered differently. He said that he initially thought of things that way. After all, who wouldn’t want to have children of their own and provide them with the love and care that you wish you could experience but could never have? But after a few months of thinking, he decided that having children does not seem to be a part of his priorities in life.

Why? Because there are still a lot more children out there who have no parents. Why have children of your own when your sole reason for doing so is to provide them with the love and attention you never had, when you could just pour those out to the children who never met their real parents and spare them the horrible trauma you experienced?
When I listened to him, I thought that maybe having children of your own is a form of selfishness. You deprive the many children out there of the chance to feel loved because instead of helping them, you continue ignoring them (just like most people who never try to do anything) and pour out the love and care they are yet to experience on children that are yet to exist. Why think of children who are not born yet when there are already children out there who need more attention?
I’m not writing this post just because my heart has been moved by that discussion. I’m not posting this just because people need to read it. I am posting this because it helps make people think. And most of all, because I have a stand.
You see, in the Philippines – there is a bill that is yet to be approved simply because of conflicting politics between the country’s two supreme authorities: the government and religion. While the constitution  provides that these two be separate and should never govern each other or involve the decision-making of each, as a strongly religious country, the Philippines considers the opinion of the church as a priority. The only sad reality here is, politics can never separate itself from religion – and what the church dictates as wrong can never be argued or disregarded by the government because most of the politicians have reached their current positions by support of the churches that endorsed them.
The bill, called the Reproductive Health Bill, is yet to be approved because the Catholic church simply condemns it.

The bill simply proposes that Filipinos should practice safer sex and family planning – promoting the use of condoms – in order to help limit the size of a family. This is an effort by the government to help limit the growing overpopulation in the country by educating more people (especially those in rural areas) of the effects of overpopulation and the cons of having too many children. This is an important bill, especially since overpopulation is equated to poverty. This is an attempt to alleviate the country’s development.

But why does the Roman Catholic church (in the country) condone it? Because they argue that it does not give children who could be born the chance to live. They argue that condoms should not be used or encouraged and that the RH Bill is anti-life.
But, personally, I believe the church should stop condoning the bill and should, instead, support it. The RH bill is not anti-life. It helps Filipinos have a chance to grow more because more families could provide more for a small family instead of providing for a very large family with the little amount of money they could get from work.
Instead of condoning the bill because it limits the number of babies that could be born in an already overpopulated country, and risking the nation’s development because the already-limited resources will be depleted all the more to provide for a speedily growing nation, they should just as well think about helping our country’s growth by advocating for MORE PARENTS INSTEAD OF MORE CHILDREN. THERE ARE ALREADY TOO MANY UNCARED CHILDREN IN THE PHILIPPINES ALONE. WE SHOULD AS WELL STOP CONCERNING OURSELVES ABOUT ADDING MORE.
To be truly pro-life, support in the care of these children instead of advocating for more. I am not saying we should limit the chances of children yet-to-be-born their chance to live. I am saying we should focus our attention more on the children who are already born and are not given the proper attention, love and care they deserve.
I believe this should be something everyone should be thinking about. With the threat of overpopulation getting in the way of development and the increasing numbers of broken families in our current generation, people should start thinking about what is wrong and how we could find ways to solve these problems. The problems have been identified, and more are coming. It’s time we start doing something about it.
This is, of course, just my opinion. Considering that this is a very controversial issue, I am aware that they may be others who think differently – and I respect that. I just hope we could all get to a proper understanding before all these debates leave us with very little time left to actually do something about it.
Think of children like them who have no idea about all these arguments we waste our time on, and the limited action there is to actually help them. They are, and should, always be our priorities because they are, and will still be, Filipinos.

En Secreto

What happens when you and your girl friends are bored during summer vacation – waiting for your graduation requirements?

A photoshoot!!!!

 

Captured and Edited by JACabral

This was taken by my friends JACabral and MyraE for a vintage photoshoot called “En Secreto”. Of course, since the pictures aren’t exclusively mine (I am just one of the models), I’ll just link you guys to her album on facebook: [link]

The concept is getting lost and rediscovering the world around you, either from trying to escape from something to getting caught up in that new world. The shots are beautifully edited by JACabral. The makeup was done by the amazing C.Laput. And, of course, the models are the 6 of us: Me, Myra, Janielle, Bea, Charity, and Candy.

If you guys can’t access her facebook album, then I guess you should try adding her up first. The album IS her work after all. I can only post pictures that have me as a subject (or background). LOL!

This is what happens when girls like us have too much free time in our hands. *wink!

Oh, and did I tell you we ate 2 pizzas and a heavy dinner right after the shoot? LOL!

First Post

The world of blogging and social media

Hi! This is my first wordpress account.

To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what topics I should be writing about here. Should it be about my daily life? My interests? or just another photo website. I mean, I already have my own DA http://tsubasakura16.deviantart.com/ (which practically serves as my avenue for my art attacks), and I already have a blogspot account http://chocolatesakuras.blogspot.com/ (which, although currently outdated, still serves its purpose as a blog). Then I figured, maybe my blogs or websites should have a “specialization” just like what other blogs do. I can’t always talk about my feelings in both blogs. If I did, then I should have just stuck to one blog account. But, look, I still made a new one. So, I guess, I shouldn’t limit myself to believing blogs are just for talking about your feelings. I’ve read an interesting blog before about documenting each and every day of her life in her blog so she’d have something fun to read every now and then. Plus, she discovered that she has grown quite a lot on each day, and that each day is a mystery and surprise of its own. So, I thought, why don’t I do that?

But obviously, I wasn’t successful. For one, I could hardly have time for surfing the net. I’m not as lucky as other teens my age who conveniently have full access to wifi or internet plug-ins. I’m one of the 70% of Filipinas who aren’t so rich or as free to surf the net. Other than the lack of funds, I also have a life. That means, I also have to study AND to work. So, yes, even if I want to surf the net often, I don’t have much time and resources.

So, I initially concentrated on working on my first blog in blogspot. But, if you’ve really breezed through what I’ve actually written there, they are mostly ideas of how or what the world is in my eyes. Most of the posts were actually articles I have already submitted in class and have worked on for the past few years. In fact, I’m thinking of turning that blog into my “idea blog” where I could express my ideas (isn’t it redundant?) and some theories I have learned and formulated on my own for the past few years of my existence. And, yes, I intend to turn that blog into a girly academic “book” where all the good articles I’ve made in high school until college will be posted so I could keep track of what went on in my head when I was younger, and hopefully add more “ideas” that go through in my head as I grow older. To be honest, I think it would be more like a notepad of all my good articles before I throw the actual papers out. Papers are so heavy and annoying to organize and carry. They should just as well be posted online to save space – although I’m not so sure how I could protect my works from plagiarizers. Until then, I should just refrain from posting my REALLY good works. We can never can tell.

Blogging is simply being on stage: Just perform well, and youd get an encore

So, now, I’m stuck with “what should I do with this blog in wordpress?” I don’t have an answer to that yet. But we will see. I’ll just visit the three sites as much as I can, and maybe my crazy brain can figure out how to organize things here and there. This might become an extension of my deviantart “artistry” or this might become my online diary. This might even become a blog dedicated to an advocacy I am yet to discover or might be another blog of ideas (a different genre) from the ideas posted in my other blog. I don’t know. But until then, I’ll just welcome you to my new blog. 🙂

I hope to see my growth in this blog and the other sites I manage, and I hope you guys will witness that growth too. If not, well, that’s cool. I’ll still grow with or without your reading the blogs. But, I would really appreciate it if you do. As a fellow blogger, I guess you understand what it means and how it feels to have someone read your own thoughts.

So, anyway, thank you for passing by my blog and have a great day. ^_^